Reflection in the mirror...

It's been 112 days since my accident and still, the first thing my eyes go to whenever I pass by a mirror is to my scars.  Whether I'm walking by a mirror in the bathroom, past a mirror in one of my patient's room or spotting my reflection in the glass of a store window...It's the first thing I notice about my reflection. 

I'm really not that vain... It's just that I believe my subconscious mind can't seem to let go of this event that changed me so completely and altered my appearance (how ever so slightly).  I don't even know if I can properly explain myself without coming off vain.  I've spent more time staring at my reflection in the mirror over the past 112 days than I EVER have before.  I notice the slight imperfections that cross my forehead now.  Some days those little scars that are scatter above my brows are hardly noticeable and other days they stare back at me. 

I wonder if though, once my hair grows back completely if I will have less of an issue with this.  The hair that covers the worst of the scars is still in the process of growing back and right now it's in a stage of not cooperating with me (photos at end of post).  So, generally it has forced into behaving with a couple of clips and some hairspray, so throughout the day I'm adjusting the clips (as they tend to slip out of place).  This constant fussing and attention to this area probably isn't helping the problem.

What a lot of it boils down to is that I don't see myself the same anymore when I look in the mirror.  At least half of the time that I look at my reflection I'm reminded immediately of the day that changed that reflection.  I have definitely been dealing with anxiety since the accident and don't worry folks, I am working my way through all of that.  But I struggle constantly to find a deeper meaning in what happened to me that day and maybe my lack of clarity is leading me to a misperception of myself.  I just don't quite know how to find my way through that. 

So, I want to leave you with a poem and the photos that show the progression of healing of my lacerations.  I will warn you that the first few photos aren't exactly pleasant to look at.  I will post the poem first so that if you don't want to view the photos...Then you don't have to scroll down that far. 

Here is a poem that I wrote about my accident. 

A moment without caution

A drift too far

Sudden change of direction

I lost control of the car

It happened so quickly

But I remember it all

I was jolted so harshly

It's so easy to recall

The pound against the ground

The screech of the metal

I'll never forget the sound

As my car hit the earth and gravel

I remember the spin

I remember the roll

As the glass tore my skin

And it ripped through my soul

When the car finally settled

And it came to an end

My mind, how it struggled

To understand, to comprehend

Warm and wet and unable to see

I reached up to check

I just knew what it'd be

From such a horrible wreck

My blood flowed freely

And my body was distressed

But I realized very quickly

How much I'd been blessed

My body has been hurt

And my mind won't forget

But my life gives me comfort

With the second chance that I get

And now I'd like to share with you all some photos that I've taken of my lacerations so you can see what I've been talking about.  

These first few photos were taken 3 days after the accident on October 27th, 2011

These next few photos were taken exactly one week after the accident on October 31st, 2011.  This was also the same day that I got my stitches removed (12 total, as the 3rd laceration couldn't be closed with sutures and had to be left to heal on it's own). 

This photo was taken just one day after these last few...but the big scab over the large laceration had come off and I wanted a new picture!  

These last photos are photos that I just took today (February 13th, 2012)...exactly 112 days after the accident.  

Here's a great angle to show you how uncooperative my hair can be sometimes...  ;-)