Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Awareness and side effects...

So, it's been 10 days since my "coming out" post in which I finally shared with the world what I've been going through.  It's been a very strange, very trying, and very difficult 10 days.  
I'm not sure if I'm just allowing myself to be more aware of what I'm feeling or if it was the emotional stress of finally talking about all this, but these last 10 days have been some of the most exhausting and painful days I've had.  Maybe it's a combination of those two factors.  

The one thing that's still requiring a conscious effort is talking about what I'm feeling.  I've been so quiet about it for so long, that the silence became a habit.  Even with my husband, who'd I'd been keeping in the dark about this as well.  I know that it's a good thing to share with him how I'm feeling, but I worry that over time he'll get sick of it or that I'll come across as a whiner.  Now, I know that's all in my head because my husband is AMAZING!  

Everything I've ever gone through...from the death of my father, to complications following surgery to remove a benign breast tumor, to my major car accident last year...He has not only been right by my side, but he has helped to carry me through it all.  And this is no different.  He a long time ago, referred to us as "Team Westman" and that stuck...and this is how he approaches everything.  He, over the last 10 days, has been consistently telling me that what I'm going through...he's going through it too, that my pain is his pain.  I know he means it.  
But, my self conscious self...tells myself that he doesn't want to hear it, that nobody does.  I'm really writing this all more for myself than any of you that may read it, because I know in the end...Most of you will either stop reading from lack of interest or from being sick of me.  

But I AM trying to make an effort to talk about it.  Whether it's my husband, my mom, my sister, my friends, my co-workers...I am not wanting to be quiet anymore.  But as I'm talking about it, it feels weird and foreign.  But I'll keep talking anyways, because it is helping me and in the end, that's what matters.  

And then I've been dealing with the fun issue of a side effect of my new medication...fatigue.  When my PCP told me that was the main side effect of it, I thought, "Oh, whatever...I'm already fatigued all the time anyways".  Oh man...what do I know?!  
The first few days after starting the med, I was fairly fatigued, nothing horrible but definitely more than my usual.  Then Monday night, after a week of being on the med, I increased my dose per the instructions from my PCP.  Yesterday, I was so out of it with complete fatigue.  I slept WAY later than I usually do AND I took a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day...neither of which helped at all...still felt just as fatigued.  Today is a little bit better.  I slept a lot later than I would have liked, but I'm not feeling the need to nap right now.  Although, the multiple cups of coffee may have something to do with that.  :-)

Well, I am going to happily go enjoy a scary movie with my sister this afternoon, then going to make a yummy comfort food for dinner (goulash!!!).  Wahoo!


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