Sunday, October 7, 2012

Being silent...

I will start this post with a poem I just felt compelled to write and will follow it with an explanation of why I feel compelled to do this now.

Being Silent
Being silent all these years
Doesn't mean I didn't shed any tears
Being silent all the while
Hiding behind my deceptive smile

I allow myself to continue in silence
I continue to perform this act of defiance
I tell myself that I'm just fine
But in reality I'm starting to decline

I carry with me this silent pain
In such a way that I can't sustain
I tell myself that it's not real
That I just need to carry on and deal 

I see so many others who suffer
I tell myself I just need to be tougher
I allow myself to diminish what I'm feeling
But that will just delay my healing

So hear I am ready to confess
That my body and soul are in distress
I now move forward with fear and doubt
But silent no more, I'm ready to shout.  

I don't even know where to begin, but let's begin with...I'm in pain...all the time.  I'm a champion at denial.  I've done it for most of my life, so why is this any different.  I can't even tell you when my pain started, it's been going on for that long...and I'm only 29.  
I do know that the reason I haven't done anything about it is that (in addition to just straight up denial) I tell myself that other people hurt and suffer more than I do, so I can't truly have something wrong with me.  Other people have more pain, aren't able to function as well as me...So it must not be as bad as I'm making it out to be.  

6 years ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism/Hashimoto's disease.  Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disease where my body attacked they tissue in my thyroid, effectively killing my thyroid and causing my hypothyroidism.  The biggest symptoms of hypothyroidism are (but not limited to) joint and muscle pain, dry hair, dry skin, dry nails, depression, brain fog (feeling like you are lost in a mental fog), fatigue, etc.  
I thought, "wow, now I know why I feel so awful all the time".  I began a long process towards finding the right dose of medication for me.  This is a medication I will have to be on for the rest of my life as my thyroid no longer makes the hormone needed to regulate my metabolism and many of the body's basic cellular functions.  I eventually received a referral to an endocrinologist to manage me as despite dose increases...My lab work and symptoms were going the wrong way.  Eventually we got me on the right dose and some of my symptoms went away.  I was definitely happy about that, but was upset that not all went away. 
I immediately went into research mode and wanted to know why.  What I found out was that with proper medication management...ALL symptoms of hypothyroidism should resolve..ALL SYMPTOMS!  So, why have I been suffering continuously with the remainder of my symptoms.  
I went through thinking, well maybe this is just my life...I'll just have to deal, to researching every condition out there until I became so exhausted and frustrated that I quit.  

All the while, I know I should have just gone to see my doctor.  Something obviously was wrong. 
I hurt, everywhere, all the time...without respite.  I take over the counter meds, I try heat and ice therapy...thinking that one of these days, I'll feel good.  
I avoid the doctor trip thinking, it's just not that bad...I can still function.  I go to work, I partake in my hobbies, I am able to enjoy fun activities and spend time with my family and friends.  I diminish what I'm feeling because I am constantly comparing myself to other people...I need to stop doing this because what I'm feeling is beginning to overwhelm me.  Both it actual pain and in the aspect of consistently telling myself that my pain isn't as bad or as important as other people's.  

So, I took the step that I've been most afraid of.  I made an appointment at my clinic for tomorrow morning.  I can't keep going this way...I just can't.  


  1. We are all hear for you and I'm proud of you for calling the doctor, its hard to do sometimes, but I am gad you did. Life shouldn't be a constant struggle. Keep us posted, I'm always a phone call or text away :) Love you cookie!

  2. Care givers care for everyone but themselves. It's okay to say HELP ME as loud as you can. Let your friends and family be strong for you now. Keep me posted. Love, Ilene.

  3. You know I understand this. I know what you're going though-completely. Ice packs, hot packs and all. We got this.

  4. You guys are awesome! Seriously, these comments are what are keeping me from just canceling my appointment and telling myself that I really don't need to go.
    I'm going to draw on that until I'm able to just do it myself...thank you.

  5. I'm glad you're doing what you need to do, to be the happiest you. You deserve some answers and a happy pain-free life! Sending lots of love!!!