Today was a day of many emotions for me. I'm still quite worn out from a week of grieving, sinus infection and busy shifts and work.
Today was the funeral for my grandfather Tom. It was a beautiful service and so many people came out to say goodbye and to pay their respects. It's always wonderful to see how many other people truly cared about somebody that you love.
The service consisted of the traditional hymns, passages and prayers. It also consisted of stories love and friendship, of him using his kids as look-out while he stole lawn ornaments, mentions of his time as a bail bondsman, and yes...during this church service...the words hooker and horseshit were used.
He was a great man, a husband, a father, a grandfather and even enjoyed being a great-grandfather. He will be missed by so many.
Yet, while I listened to his children and his step-children speak of him...I also began experiencing another emotion aside from grief and loss. I was finding myself feeling jealousy.
Here these people are, in their 50's and 60's saying goodbye to their father. They had year after year with him, enjoyed his stories and anecdotes because they had him around at a point in their lives where they could understand how important those stories and anecdotes would be someday. He was there with them for their weddings and babies, for their accomplishments and adventures. Be was just shy of 94 when he died. He led a full and wonderful life.
I found myself feeling just a moment of jealousy because when I was just barely 20 years old, I was saying goodbye to my father. As I was saying goodbye to my dad I realized just how little I knew about him. Yes, others can tell me the stories...but I won't ever hear them myself.
I found myself feeling jealous because I didn't get that full life with my dad...he missed my college graduation, my wedding, my first house and he won't be there to spoil his first grandkids or tell those stories that he'd told a thousand times before.
Just feeling a bit sorry for myself today...and I'm just going to let myself.
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